How to Respond instead of Reacting

respond vs react

mindfulness is the key.

We have all had moments that we’ve been triggered by a situation or person leading to an intense emotional response (sometimes ones we regret). Some are skilled or mindful enough to let that response be what it truly is – an emotion. They experience it, acknowledge it, allow it to dissipate. In the absence of this mindful processing or regulation that emotional response usually escapes, becoming a reaction. It is in this stage or the ‘heat of the moment’ that we can say or do things we may later regret.

The reactive instinct comes from a primitive part of our brains, focused on survival. This is guided predominantly by our amygdala (the region of the brain primarily associated with emotional processes). When a threat is perceived, the amygdala triggers our fight-or-flight reaction, which gets us primed for action – flee or fight to survive and live another day. This served us well in prehistoric times but is no longer as useful. Despite this, it continues to arise in modern-day situations when it isn’t so much our safety at risk but deeply held fears and beliefs about ourselves and our worlds that are stirred and threatened. To protect ourselves from this ‘threat’ we often switch (automatically) into control / pleasing / distractive behaviours and more.

If you find yourself moving into these modes, lashing out, experiencing outbursts, or withdrawing in response to situations it can be helpful to engage in strategies to manage these patterns.

Bring to mind a situation that you may have reacted in (and maybe even later regretted) such as an impatient reply or saying ‘yes’ when you wanted to say ‘no’ (linked to people pleasing, making an impression, unable to say you ‘can’t’ do or achieve something). Other times you may have experienced a reaction in very simple daily interaction such as being overtaken or cut off in traffic, by someone unknown yet take this quite personally by feeling an ‘anger response’ bubble up.

Allowing this or any other anger response to stay with you can subsequently then flow through to many other moments of the day, for instance by being short or distracted with a loved one, missing other easy to notice cues in conversation or passing on the angry feelings in a harsh email or phone call.

These are examples of reactive behaviours and their flow on effect. Why is it better to respond than react?

When we respond rather than react, we take a moment to pause, absorb the situation, how we are feeling and then proceed with an action that is more considerate of long and short term outcomes. Reactive behaviour is more of a ‘knee jerk’ response that at most times is lacking consideration of outcomes.

To practice being responsive vs reactive, mindfulness can be key. If you find yourself being triggered frequently, try introducing a daily practice to help build the spaciousness and awareness to be able to more swiftly respond in the moment.

Start with a slow and simple breathing technique such as the 4 part breath (inhale – pause – exhale – pause, repeat). Make an observation of the pause – every element in nature requires a pause so that it can be expressed – even the breath; a pause separates the inhale from the exhale.

Similar to this pause before expression of the exhale, bring to mind a situation where you might have been reactionary. Consider how you might have paused before expression instead, allowing yourself a chance to comprehend what is happening via the spaciousness that has been allowed during the pause.

Then consider how you would use the pause to identify what is happening, how you are feeling and what it is you really intend to say or do. In an ‘emotional storm’, we often lose sight of ourselves and our truth. 

When you suspend the emotional reaction it is easier to see the bigger picture - what you’re feeling, and what the situation has stirred up for you and if it is really them you are irked at but something different, within yourself. This is the chance to make a decision on what path to take – reactivity or another way.

Continue breathing until you feel in full alignment – perhaps giving yourself the space to take a set number of breaths, say 5-10.

Being responsive isn’t about passivity but about empowering yourself to uphold your values and truth instead of linking your peace of mind to the constantly changing external world. This gives you a greater opportunity to create peace within yourself and spread a feeling of harmony and peace to the next person and so on.

The best part is that it doesn’t take hours – it just takes a couple of breaths and a pause.

If you would like more support with learning to regulate your thoughts and feelings or to practice mindfulness in this way, please reach out for a chat at our wellness center. Contact us here for info (or read more here). You can also book in directly, below.